I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
