Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
did i walk over a car last night?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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