I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
