Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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