Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
