was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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