He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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