Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
