This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
3 2 1 whiskey
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
