I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
