my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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