On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
