You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
