He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
