i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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