i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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