Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
