I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
