You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
