remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
