Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
