guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
