The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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