I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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