Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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