its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
