can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
How naked do you want me to be?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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