just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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