I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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