we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
