At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You're like the curious george of whores
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
