i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
did you just send me my own nude
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
