I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
