Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
