OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
