is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
