was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
