We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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