You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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