You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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