shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
