I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Randomize
