Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The best revenge is premature balding
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
