You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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