DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
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