you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
