Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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