I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
