I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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