I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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