I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
