hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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