i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
There r osticjed everywhere
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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