the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
