Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
